With a Bit of LUCK…

In the wee hours of mourning, I sit to take stock of my life. The weight of many feelings crashing in, fighting each other to come to the surface. Seeking attention. Wanting to connect with some being, some creature that will see them, let them in, hold each one and understand the importance of their existence.

The feelings knock on the door of my conscious mind, consistent. Hours, days, months, years spent floating around in untamed spaces pulling strings in the deepest parts of my existence that I never realized existed until one snaps–

and I come undone unexpectedly.

I am moved to pieces by these intangible things that fight each day to make themselves tangible. I block my ears, too scared to listen to the words they use to make themselves relevant, insisting that they are not me, me wondering…

who is the scared and lonely, angry creature that seems to rage within the untamed spaces…

Sometimes when I am brave enough, when the turbulence has settled some, I imagine a curtain and peak behind it to see what’s waiting there for me. And there they are, a tiny creature sitting in solitude and unsettled.

A pang of recognition floods my senses, and I walk towards them. Self-consciously, I sit, not wanting to scare either of us. Somehow knowing that at the slightest provocation, either one of us is likely to flee.

I could sit forever like that in the darkness. Knowing that the turbulence inside myself was their fear of being seen and heard clashing against my fear of truly knowing them.

I could sit forever like that, wondering how I could jump to sit in someone else’s shadows, but I fight to stay outside of theirs.

I could sit for hours like that, learning to know them better; understanding that their fear was not their fault, that their feelings were a protective spell all along meant to sit around our heart and give it space to heal from all the hurt that existed.

Sometimes when I am brave, and they are still, I turn around and hug this creature because I know we both just want Love, Understanding, Compassion, Kindness

the most potent salve that ever existed.