I tired to make you fit
to look like something familiar
but you never did.
You were different,
something special. I knew that
from the moment I saw you
and my heart skipped a beat
for the hours I pined for you
played over in my mind the meaning of your words
your actions
your stability
your understanding
even when I was turbulant
even when I wanted to spill myself back out into the world and out of your grasp.
You scared me
because you didn’t let me go
but you never kept me
you gave me space
so much space I never knew if you cared or not
but then you’d reassure me.
I read all the posts about insecure attachments
red flags
trouble relationships
and you never quite fit
maybe I just couldn’t see it
maybe I wanted so much for it to be true
that you were wrong for me
so I’d have a reason to leave…
but I knew
as I fought and talked and shared and thought
with others
those who weren’t you
it felt different
flat.
Not bad, but not as good.
So I wondered…
were you bad for me
or was it my fear of getting exactly who I’d dreamt of
my fear of fucking up
my fear of not deserving
my fear of realizing that I was not perfect
that I had to work for gifts
that I couldn’t always be handed shit
you stood there across the line
waiting for me to cross over to you
with the same amount of patience and love
that I was willing to show you.
Caia Rose 