How close can we get to one another, before I start pulling away? Your smiles, your attention delights me, when you’re available to give them, but you’re not always around.
We talk to each other in sorries for attention not paid and time that lapses between us with no response. You, well I don’t know why you, you’re busy, you have a life, you’ve other connections you must foster.
And me?
A game of cat and mouse I play with myself, not wanting to overwhelm you with my exuberance, my energy, my excitement at a new prospect.
So I say, “it’s okay”.
I say, “not to worry”.
I tell you, “it’s fine”.
But how many times do I have to say it? How many people do I have to accept apologies from before I realize that the only one I’m really working to convince is myself. The one apology I’m really desperate to hear is one from me.
I make excuses. Your silences give me more time to work, to create, to concentrate on life, on myself, and they do. But I never realized how truly dependent I was to be seen until I met you. So desperate for validation from someone who wasn’t me. Some kind of confirmation that I wasn’t as bad as I seemed.
So how many rounds of chicken I wonder, before I’ll see the lesson I’m meant to learn in this little game of self denial?
Caia Rose 